How confident are you that the Grizzlies will not win the NBA Championship?
The Grizzlies have quite possibly the hardest road to the championship. They have to go through the Spurs, Rockets, Warriors, and probably the Cavs. They are 2nd to last in PPG with 100.2 points and 20th in offensive efficiency.
Here is Vegas odds to win the NBA championship as of April 27
Golden State Warriors – 2/5 (3-1 lead and the evil team that everyone hates)
Cleveland Cavaliers – 16/5 (The team that everyone loves)
San Antonio Spurs – 10/1 (Tradition and how the hell is Manu “Batman” Ginobili still producing)
Houston Rockets – 18/1 (the fun offense that’ll never win a championship)
Boston Celtics – 30/1 (the delusional fans)
Washington Wizards – 40/1 (The team that has no bench)
Toronto Raptors – 50/1 (The team that loses to Lebron)
Utah Jazz – 100/1 (Keyword length and forgettable)
Milwaukee Bucks – 225/1 (The baby)
Los Angles Clippers – 250/1 (infinity to 1 is more like it. People forget they have never made a conference championship and also blew a 3-1 lead to the Houston Rockets in 2015)
Atlanta Hawks – 400/1 (The team that always makes the playoffs, but never wins)
Chicago Bulls – 500/1 (The Rojanaissance)
Memphis Grizzlies – 500/1 (Boring, Grit n grind)
Because none of these odds are particularly enticing, I’ve decided to open Hot M’s “Would you rather?” Alternative Sports Book, inspired by the 2006–07 Seneca Valley Raiders basketball team’s riveting back-of-the-bus debates.
Here’s how Hot Mics’s “Would you rather?” Alternative Sports Book works:
- You must place a bet on every team;
- You are given 3 possible bets with varying odds and must choose 1 bet;
- You are betting that Team X will NOT win the Super Bowl; and
- Thus, you will lose (that’s the point)— how badly you lose remains to be seen.
Golden State Warriors – – 2/5 (3-1 lead and the evil team that everyone hates)
A) If the Warriors don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Warriors do win. You have to kill Steph Curry and bring his head to Oracle center. You won’t get out of there alive.
B) If the Warriors don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Warriors do win. You have to get kicked in the balls by Draymond Green. No Blood no foul. Right.. right.
C) If the Warriors don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Warriors do win. You have to challenge Matt Barnes to a fight. Matt is a crazy person, he once drove 95 miles to beat up Derek Fisher. The story goes that his 6-year-old son told him that Fisher was at his ex wife’s house, which prompted Barnes to drive 95 miles to fight. For some reference if you were to drive 70 mph for the whole way it’ll take you 1 hour and 21 minutes. How can you be mad at someone for so long. You aren’t with your wife anymore Matt.
Best Bet: C– Why? A) I will most certainly die and B) will be an early Vasectomy. At least fighting Matt will be funny. I feel I can take Matt, all I need to do is not flinch.
Cleveland Cavaliers – 16/5 (The team that everyone loves)
A) If the Cavs don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Cavs do win. You have to make passive aggressive comments/ tweets about your coworkers, friends, and family. Whenever Lebron makes a comment about not having enough help, you have to make 2 passive aggressive comments. Like Unfollowing your friends and family on social media and give no explanation why. When you take pictures, subtly crop out one of your family members (if you still follow them). It’s a hit at the holidays.
B) If the Cavs don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Cavs do win. You have to play a nationally televised game up to 100 against Kyrie Irving. You’ll leave with broken knees and you probably shouldn’t play basketball again.
RIP Brandon Knight.
C) If the Cavs don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Cavs do win. You have to live in Cleveland and become a fan of local sports. Yikes, that may be a little too harsh. Here’s why. Take a look at this sad sad sports town. Well you are what you eat and cleveland is shit.
I don’t want to even delve into the Indians (3-1)
They even set a lake on fire. How is that possible.
Best Bet – Option B, at least you can play against one of the best players in the NBA. The only downside is that you’ll prob be in a wheelchair afterwards.
San Antonio Spurs – 10/1 (Tradition and how the hell is Manu “Batman” Ginobili still producing)
A) If the Spurs don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Spurs do win. You have to hang out with Tim Duncan for a year and discuss the power of pi with no internet.
– the life of the party
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like hanging out with people who aren’t human. Discussing math, with a robot. FOR SURE NOT going to do that shit.
B) If the Spurs don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Spurs do win. You have to post a picture of you burning a Tim Duncan jersey and post it on all of your social media devices.
That’s committing suicide. Might as well commit Seppuku your internet career is over.
Lots of loser San Antonio Fans, we get it. The Alamo is amazing, Popovitch is the greatest basketball coach of all time, and yes everything is bigger in Texas. You want to know something else Texans, nobody cares about you, your stupid state, the Alamo and your boring ass 90s cheese offense. Thinking about it more, Tim Duncan is so old, he was probablly fighting for the Alamo.
C) If the Spurs don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Spurs do win. You have to kill bats with Manu in France. Pro tip, get used to eating baguette, french fries (we call them freedom fries in the states), and snails. That’s all they have there. Oh and try not ingest all of the secondhand smoke.
Best Bet : B) The other two options are too risky. A) is boring as hell and will make me go straight up insane. C) going to France with Batman. No Freaking thanks. Take your snobby loser wine else where. B) would be interesting, It’ll be fun to troll the 5.2 Spurs.
You were 6 seconds away from a championship and a bald 38-year-old man stopped you from getting it.
Houston Rockets – 18/1 (the fun offense that’ll never win a championship)
A) If the Rockets don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Rockets do win. You have to talk to Rockets fan Jessica Simpson about Science for 3 hours.
She reminds me of this girl.
B) If the Rockets don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Rockets do win. You become a Mike D’Antoni delusional fan. Yes his offense is fun. He lulls fans into believing that his teams are contenders, like Bruce Arians. They win in the regular season and get past the first round. Everyone hypes them up and then inevitable heartbreak when they lose. D’Antoni’s teams are perennial playoff losers, sorry nerds.
Napoleon Dynamite has it right here, 10. Mike’s suns offense was 7 seconds or less, but a 10 Seconds or less offense would have been more effective It would allow your offense and defense to breathe more, while still going warp speed.
C) If the Rockets don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Rockets do win. You have to never shave and have a beard like Gandalf.
Best Bet Option C) is the best bet. Hipster beards are hot right now. A) I would lose brain cells and B) is just the defintion of twitter and reditt basketball fans.
Boston Celtics – 30/1 (the delusional fans)
A) If the Celtics don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Celtics do win. You have to jump off the Green Monster in Fenway Park. You’ll fly like superman and then end up like superman.
B) If the Celtics don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Celtics do win. You have to watch all of the deflate coverage on ESPN. Years of coverage, good luck getting out of that leprechaun hole.
C) If the Celtics don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Celtics do win. The Patriots will win every Superbowl for the next 5 years and you’ll have to live in Boston as Jets fan for those years.
Best Bet- Just kill yourself, but if I had to choose. I’d pick option B) Sure by the end I’ll have the IQ of Honey boo, but at least I won’t living in Hell C) or be half the man I once was A).
Washington Wizards – 40/1 (The team that i are in the playoffs)
A) If the Wizards don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Wizards do win. You have to fight Marcus Gortat in a UFC cage match
Chill shrek, go do ogre shit like eat men and rape villages.
B) If the Wizards don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Wizards do win. You have to find your twin in life and get matching tats like Markieff and Marcus Morris.
C) If the Wizards don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Wizards do win. You have to go slightly bald like Bojan Bogdanović. That hairline provides less coverage than Virgin mobile.
Best Bet- A) I could take Shrek. All I would have to do is make it past the 2nd round and the big man will collapse. B) would be terrible on so many levels. C) I couldn’t live with a hairline like that.
Toronto Raptors – 50/1 (The team that loses to Lebron)
A) If the Raptors don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Raptors do win. You have to move to Canada in the FROZEN TUNDRA where the people are as soft as bacon.
Have fun in your igloo.
B) If the Raptors don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Raptors do win. You have to go on CNN with Demar Derozen.
That doesn’t seem like a registered trademark of the NBA.
C) If the Raptors don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Raptors do win. You have to become a Raptors fan. Remember They call Toronto “the 6” because that’s how many playoff wins it takes for their fans to consider it a successful season.
Look at this guys hair he looks like a sunflower
Best Bet- A) Bring on the cold B) and C) wouldn’t be fun because you’ll be spending time with a Raptor, they’ll lead you on but eventully crush you.
Utah Jazz – 100/1 (Keyword length and forgettable)
A) If the Jazz don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Jazz do win. You have to become a Mormon like every other white person (sorry, there are only white people in Utah)
Away with you Satan, be gone. Also
In 1978, the Mormons finally declare that black people are alright.
In 1979, Utah gets an NBA team.
Coincidence?
B) If the Jazz don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Jazz do win. You have to
have glass legs like Gorbert
Help I have fallen and I can’t get up.
C) If the Jazz don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Jazz do win. You have to
be a round earth believer like Deron Williams.
That’s why his career went down.
It’s almost like he just fell off of the earth because ITS FLAT NOT FUCKING ROUND CHECKMATE DUMBASS. Sorry if that joke underwhelmed, like the Jazz I like to underwhelm.
Best Bet- A) Aside from being insane, having multiple wifes wouldn’t be bad. B) I hate the hospital more than Utah hates championships. C) Flat earth for life.
Milwaukee Bucks – 225/1 (The baby)
A) If the Bucks don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Bucks do win. You have to stretch your arms to be as long as the Greek Freak
For some reference his arms measure 7 feet 3 inches. Get ready to be put on the rack
B) If the Bucks don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Bucks do win. You have to fight a kangaroo with Matthew Dellavedova.
C) If the Bucks don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Bucks do win. You have to have a career similar to Greg Monroe. A player that would have been an allstar pre 2005.
Best Bet- C) you’re a pro athlete and more importantly you are a millionaire. Who the fuck cares if you could have been great. Ultimately I would like to be rich. A) is being a Clipper’s fan *(sorry I meant torture. I always get them mixed up). B) would be kinda fun to hang out with Delly in the outback, but you aren’t a millionare.
Los Angles Clippers – 250/1 (infinity to 1 is more like it. People forget they have never made a conference championship and also blew a 3-1 lead to the Houston Rockets in 2015)
A) If the Clippers don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Clippers do win. You have to become a Clipper fan.
B) If the Clippers don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Clippers do win. You have to be crazier than Steve Balmer. If you fail, Steve Ballmer gives you the Bill Cosby treatment.
Cocaine Cocaine Cocaine Cocaine. Reminds me of someone.
This man is insane. Speaking of insane
C) If the Clippers don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Clippers do win. You have to be Blake Griffen’s equipment manager.
Best Bet- C) Blake’s soft, he’s so soft he broke his hand like a fucking dumbass on an equipment manager. a) is something I like to call Mets syndrome, just being mediocre. B) is straight up impossible.
Atlanta Hawks – 400/1 (The team that always makes the playoffs, but never wins)
A) If the Hawks don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Hawks do win. You have to try to outpace Dwight Howard in babies. It is believed that he has had 8 kids in 6 years. Dwight has confirmed that he has 5 kids.
This is a sad sad man.
B) If the Hawks don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Hawks do win. You have to get a tat on your face like Gucci Mane
Reason #90210 why you shouldn’t get blackout drunk.
C) If the Hawks don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Hawks do win. You have to have a zombie apocalypse. Gonna have to round-up the old zombie squad from ’09, we have been training for years.
Best Bet- C) I’m ready. A) is turrible B) would destroy my life, I am not a rapper.
Chicago Bulls – 500/1 (The Rojanaissance)
A) If the Bulls don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Bulls do win. You have to become Steve Bartman at the game.
For the uninitiated, Steve interfered with a ball and many Cubs fans blamed him for losing the game and a chance at the world series. Steve had to change his name and has remained anonymous to this day.
B) If the Bulls don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Bulls do win. You have to
be the brother of a famous basketball player.
Meet Will Rondo a professional butler for NBA players. Not only do you have feel the shame of not making the NBA, but you have to pick up his condom wrappers. Dirty Jobs la famila edition.
C) If the Bulls don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Bulls do win. You have to live in Chiraq.
Best Bet- A) sure it’ll be bad for 5 years, but the Cubs won a championship and Chicago loves forever now. B) No way, I can’t handle that disappointment. C) This living thing isn’t so bad.
Memphis Grizzlies – 500/1 (Boring, Grit n grind)
A) If the Grizzlies don’t win the finals, you get $10,000; but if … if the Grizzlies do win. You have to be Mike Conley. Be a great point guard, but never make an allstar game.
B) If the Grizzlies don’t win the finals, you get $1,000; but if … if the Grizzlies do win. You have to get roasted by everyone in the NBA
They also call the grizzlies grit n grind because that’s the sound Parson’s knees makes when he walks.
C) If the Grizzlies don’t win the finals, you get $100; but if … if the Grizzlies do win. You have to fight an actual Grizzly bear.
Best Bet- A) Mike makes 153 million dollars. B) Isn’t too bad C) Is certain death. These were pretty boring options. It’s anothing they have in common with the Grizzlies.
Hot Mic’s picks for the rest of the playoffs starting round 2:
Celtics over Wizards 6 games
Spurs over Rockets 6 games
Semi finals:
Warriors over Spurs in 6 games
Cavs over Celtics in 5 games
NBA Finals
Cavs over Warriors in 7 games.